It was at this point that fear gripped me. When those events took place and I wanted to go to Sacramento to protect Juanita and Dolores, they ran away from home and kept a low profile hiding away from Jack.
It’s only now, receiving Dolores manuscript that I came to know of their miserable life in those days and how Jack acted so subtly. How possibly as a father could he plan for years of a way to deceive the innocence of Dolores a young teenager who was blossoming into a young woman?
I don’t have words enough to completely express my fury and impotence by these facts, and the complete knowledge of the events, and was impossible for me to prevent such an evil plot.
I only know now that the long spell of silence from Dolores meant nothing good. Subconsciously I had always been afraid to one day receive some bad news in this regard. My altercation with Jack on the phone on that terrible night did not promise anything good with his vengeful voice.
The anger in me was overwhelming and I couldn’t read any longer. My eyes were blinded by the impending tears. I needed to cry, not because of my weakness, but because I was considering how helpless I had been in giving my support, particularly to my dear Dolores. But how could I help them not knowing where they were?
I was incapable of steadying my inner feelings suffocated, by the painful sensation of thinking about my little Dolores. I came to realize at that moment that I have loved her as the tender daughter that I missed in my life. My poor little girl, I was so sorry for what she had been through and in the way it had to happen. Why, why didn’t Dolores tell me the complete story of those last days when we spoke on the phone? In those days she assured me that Jack was a loving father to her. But thinking back, she wasn’t able to judge properly at the time because of her innocence and more likely her inexperience in life.
I was trying to remember any clues from those conversations, but I couldn’t get any. I blame myself now for not being more persuasive with Dolores, but what can I really do now? I couldn’t go back in time. I couldn’t modify those events that took place in those past days.
I filled a glass of wine. I really needed a drink to steady my thoughts. I sipped it with my eyes semi-closed and, in my mind, revived those crude events that I just read from her diary. I couldn’t yet persuade myself that a man can be as vile as Jack had been, to act so brutally with a young girl that believed and trusted him as her father.
At this moment inside me were many conflicts. I wished that delaying reading more of Dolores’ story I could change the events that took place that night.
I decided that from that point I’d let Dolores be the one to narrate her own story. Reading through her diary, I found how powerful she was with her pen, better than I could do, trying to rewrite it.
CHAPTER 4 Part 2
This is Dolores’s account of her story.
That was the beginning of a miserable time.
Mother kept crying while looking at me sadly, ‘You shouldn’t have done this to me. Why? I would never have another man in my life. You have given away the chance of a good future for yourself. You will be sorry one day.’
Yes, I was sorry. I had been stupid to interfere in my mother’s private life and I had been arrogant in my thoughts when I offered my body to Jack, hoping in that way to save my mother. She would never understand why I did it. I had made things worse for us, and I had been humiliated by Jack in such a way, becoming part of his lurid needs. Even if he saw the necessity to accept what the doctor said, he was still expecting sexual gratifications from me.
I finally understood the subtle way Jack had used me in those past years. I felt humiliated, and more than ever I hated him. I spent many nights silently crying out my grief.
Mum was in her last month of pregnancy, when Jack, after talking on the phone, said, ‘I have to go to England to solve some family problems. I’ll be back in time for the birth. You look after her properly, Dolores.’
Mother delivered the twins two days after Jack left for England.
As soon as she returned from hospital she told me, ‘We must go away now before Jack returns. I still have some moral obligations to you because you are still underage. You have already done enough damage to my marriage. You really acted badly and with you around it will happen again. I lost my first husband, your father, he ran away with a very young woman. You are no better than her. I have spoken with my good friend, Helen. She is living enough far away in a large city. Jack would never find us in Los Angeles, where millions of people live.’
That evening we packed a few things in the car and we drove away in the dark, not wanting to raise suspicions in the neighborhood.
Helen was pleased to have Mum and the twins and showed that sort of attention that a husband usually gives to his wife. They were inseparable and at night I was again tormented by the sound of their love noises.
Mum had certainly changed a lot in the past years. She was only at ease when her sexual arousal was fully satisfied.
She soon started to show her uneasiness with Helen. Maybe she was relieving with her some of her needs, but her body and her soul missed the turbulent life she was used to with Jack. She missed him and this was evident to me. With him, she was his slave, but I knew her well enough to say that her life with him wasn’t a total sacrifice because both were equally possessed by the same demons and desires. She also needed to be dominated and possessed by her man.
Under those circumstances, my life became more difficult. Mother didn’t miss any occasion to let me know her resentment in having lost Jack, and her hate because I had caused that separation. I had occasion to hear Mum referring to me as the ‘unworthy brat’ and she and Helen plotted ways to humiliate me.
Mum craved for Jack. And I knew she would soon return to him despite what she said to the contrary. Even Helen noticed Mom’s anxiety in this regard.
Life became tenser for me on the night that Helen silently came into my bedroom and slipped in my side. She started to caress my body and she kissed me hard on the lips.
What could I do? I didn’t want to repeat the disgusting episode that had happened with Jack. Passively and silently I accepted her. I had to do that so that my mother would never know.
It had become imperative for me to make a decision. I had to act promptly to free myself of my mother’s responsibility. She would then be free to make a decision as to which lover would serve her better. She could either go back to Jack or stay with Helen. That wouldn’t be my concern any longer. I only wanted to stay out of my mother’s problems. It was important that I found my own way in life. Was I too young for that? Well, I had become an adult much too early in life, and I felt I was fully responsible for my own actions.
It was time to go. As Mom said before, Los Angeles was a large city, and it was quite easy to get lost among the millions living there.