I was alone now, without anybody comforting and loving me. I did always hope, until the last days of his life that my father one day would take me back to Australia, the country that I mostly love. But in time, the memory of the land where I was born and where my soul belongs has become evanescent and remote.
The day of my father’s funeral it was my seventeenth birthday and I was living in this country for the past ten years. Over these years my relationship with grandma never improved. Instead, since Father had passed away, life at home had become unbearable and Grandma takes every excuse to revenge on me her unrepressed hate for my mother, increased over the years since the day she married.
After my father’s funeral, Grandma purposely destroyed all his possession. In this way, she wanted him forgotten from her memory, but was she doing it just only because he went away with my mother?
From my father’s possessions I was able to salvage his diary from destruction, that even if I couldn’t read it, it was the same of great sentimental value to me. He had written his memories in Tagalog, one of the Philippines languages that I don’t know.
Exasperation grove in me and in those days, I started to plan how I could run away from Grandma’s house and go to live on my own in the city. But I needed money to survive until I would get a job and earn my way through.
Luck had been with me and a few days later without any planning, an opportunity arose to give me such possibility.
In the middle of a hot night, I went into the kitchen to have a drink. Everyone in the house was asleep. Soon after I heard noises at the front door; scared I hide in a dark corner, but then I realized it was my uncle returning home from one of his usual visits to the bistros in town, where he had spent time with local hostesses and shared some drinks with them.
Danny wasn’t surprised to see me up in the middle of the night and in a friendly way approached me with, “Hello Miriam, up at this time? I know the night is hot and it’s difficult to sleep. Would you like some company and share and a beer with me?”
Danny didn’t wait for my answer. He grabbed two bottles from the fridge, offered one to me, and we sit at the doorstep. He started to talk in a friendly way to me about his night out.
“One night you must come with me, Miriam. You’ll like that brilliant life of the cabaret. You will enjoy the dancing of spirited strippers. Do you know that some are younger than you? They dance pealing slowly at the poles to please the audience, and then, at the rhythm of rock music they move around the tables between their many admirers who are pinning Pesos on their tiny bikinis while are whispering sweet words asking for their favors. I’m sure that if you’re there some gallant man will ask you to be his beauty for the night. Hey, no allusions to you. That is part of the fun in those places, but of course to accept or not someone is entirely your decision.”
Then suddenly he changed argument and start to talk about my mother “Have I ever told you that I met your mother when she was in Cebu? You look very much like her. You have the same sandy hair and bright blue eyes. In common, you also have the same tone of voice and the open bright smile. At that time, I had just started working at San Carlos where your mother was a teacher and she was very popular on campus. She looked so different from the local teachers. Your mother had a great figure; was much taller than Filipino women and much fuller in her bum and bosom. I say you’ll be in full splendor like her within two years, and sure by then you will have dozens of admirers.”
Then with a second thought, he said, “Why don’t we talk of you?”
He came closer to me, and at the feeling of his body next to mine an electrical shock started in me. I have to admit that I have become aware of Danny over the past two years and that though had always raised a special attraction in me, and now having him closer I started to meltdown. He was the most attractive man I had met and smelled good in his mix of after shaver and sweat.
His nearness was an intoxicating discovery and experiencing my first body contact with a man I felt aroused. I let myself be taken away by this emotion and I desired to find out how things will develop to practicing with him what I had learned reading on borrowed library books.
“Yes Danny, I always liked you. I confess to you that many times, at night, I fantasized about you.”
I got closer to him and I closed my eyes expecting his first kiss that didn’t come. That didn’t stop me and I kept caressing his face, neck, and down to his torso. I wanted him to believe I was a young experience woman, but I found my hands clumsy as they moved inexpediently over him trying to unbutton his shirt. Danny let me do it. At first, he seemed to be confused about what I was trying to do but he let me do it and I notice I was creating in him growing desires.
“What are you trying to do, Miriam… Gee is it true or have I the wrong impression…?”
By the time he spoke, I had successfully unbelted him and started to play with his zipper. I was doing things that I did before and coping with things I only read before on romantic novels. I was unaware of where I was heading, only guided by an inner urge to prove to myself that finally, I was on the verge to become a woman. I realized it was a tremor in my hands, because of my anxiety to do it well but at the same time, I was insecure in the body and soul. It was the accumulated desperation and loneliness over time and to free my needs that had been for too long repressed in me. Over the past ten years, nobody had a sympathetic word of love. I couldn’t even remember mother; at the time she was alive to have remonstrated such effusion of love for me. That’s why now I was so desperately in need of someone who could understand me and give back love to me. But I was too young and inexperienced at that time, and unfortunately, I was confusing sex with love. In my ignorance, I thought that sex was the omniscient expression of love. Therefore, I kept asking Danny to have me without delays.
“Danny, I want you, now. Please make love to me, for God’s sake. I need you. I dreamed this moment for so long in my lonely nights.”
“Miriam I can’t do this. It’s sinful!”
Nevertheless, the desire was burning in his eyes. His looks contradicted his thoughts and I couldn’t believe his words. I could openly see he was aroused and the lust was building rapidly inside him. Seeing his weakness made me bolder. I felt stronger seeing he was capitulating to my maneuvers to make love with him and his growing desires was evident even to someone inexperienced like me. My hand had become steadier and more secure while I kept unzipping his trousers. In him was now a mute relieved approval of what I was doing, which made me more eager. I was driving him to the end, and I was sure soon I would experience the pleasures to become a woman and to be possessed by Danny.
“Do you really want this with me? Have you ever done this before?” He asked.
But I knew those were only weak excuses from his side to justify himself.
“Wait, not here. Someone can see us.”
Then he grabbed my hand and forcefully took me outside, behind a bush. He laid me on the grass, wherein no time, taken by his imposing needs, and without many preambles, educates me into the facts of life, and into many more things, that only a fraction of time before, I only imagined could be possible.
End Part 2